There are many aspects of suicide:
- The pain and anguish that lead to a suicide attempt
- Attempting suicide and dying
- Attempting suicide and surviving
- The pain and anguish of loved ones left behind
Any way you look at suicide, it destroys and affects many people’s lives. Many hold their disappointment and anger inside because they do not feel comfortable talking about it. Some have questions, but do not know how or what to ask. For the loved ones left behind, they have guilt wondering why they did not see the warning signs and often blame themselves.
Ricardo “Rich” Alvarez joined the Air Force in 1972 and was stationed at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Florida. He worked as an Aircraft Structural Mechanic servicing aircrafts for the Vietnam War.
When he completed his tour of duty, he enlisted in the Air National Guard in Jacksonville, Florida and served his country for four more years.
The year was 1973. Rich was 18-years-old and in love; he got married for the first time. Sadly he and his wife divorced seven years later. They parted amicably, both agreeing that they married too young. Although the marriage did not last, Rich decided that he liked the idea of being married and the love and companionship that went with it.
In 1981, Rich fell in love again and decided to give marriage another try. He was eight years older and felt that he was making the right decision. The marriage ended two years later.
In 1983 Rich met an amazing woman named Linda. They dated for two years, fell madly in love and got married in 1985. Although Linda seemed like the perfect woman for him, Rich found himself in a deep depression with mood swings of extreme highs and lows.
For most people moods remain fairly stable, extreme highs and lows are uncommon. For people with bipolar disorder such mood swings are frequent and extreme. Bipolar mood swings can cause a person to swing between manic happiness and suicidal depression. Rich’s illness negatively affected his marriage and became too much for Linda. They divorced in 1987. Rich attempted to handle his illness on his own with little success.
The most common symptoms of bipolar disorder are depression, high energy, low energy, erratic or racing thoughts, erratic behavior (e.g. overspending, disordered eating, reckless sexual activity, substance abuse), and suicidal thoughts.
Looking back, Rich realized the signs and symptoms of his illness were there. Despite three failed marriages, Rich found success in making money as an automobile mechanic and rewarded himself with a beautiful home, car, and even bought a boat. He was happiest when he was boating and loved the feeling of not having a care in the world.
In 1992 Rich entered the darkest time of his life. He was in a car accident that left his suffering physically and mentally, his bipolar disorder was getting worse, and he spent money recklessly and lost everything that he owned. To add insult to his injury, in 1994 his 35-year-old brother died from AIDS.
The county assisted Rich in acquiring a home in the projects of Tampa in 1994. Unfortunately, it was in the same neighborhood as drug dealers. Rich found himself trading $40 worth of food stamps for crack cocaine. Right from the start, Rich enjoyed the feeling of being high. Smoking crack cocaine brings on an intense and immediate, but very short-lived high that only lasts for about fifteen minutes.
Rich fell in love again, this time with crack cocaine. For two years he smoked it 24/7. His habit cost him $1,500 a day. He began selling drugs to support himself and his habit. He sold $3,000 a day and over two years he sold more than $2 million.
The clientele in the projects were limited in their spending ability. On a daily basis Rich traded cars for crack to sell in the more affluent neighborhoods. He got arrested waiting for a drug drop. After his arrest, the drug dealers shunned him, believing him to be working with the cops.
Rich suddenly found himself homeless, penniless, and having suicidal thoughts. He called his mother for help and she refused. She told him never to call her again. To this day, Rich has still not spoken to his mother.
With no one to turn to and nowhere to live and a $1,500 a day crack habit, Rich found himself living in the woods in a cardboard refrigerator box. He lived in the woods for three months. Many times he would go in search of food only to return to the woods to find that someone stole his box to use for their shelter.
Rich seriously thought about killing himself twice. Both times he placed a rope around his neck. Once he sat on the edge of an 11 story Holiday Inn in the Westshore area of Tampa. He chose not to take his life fearing that God would not forgive him. Rich was afraid of living and also scared of dying. In his mind committing suicide was an unforgivable sin. Though he chose not to take his life then he still struggled with suicidal thoughts.
One day Rich decided he would take his life after all. He stole sleep meds from an Albertson’s grocery store and returned to his box in the woods. He overdosed on the meds and, not taking any chances, put a plastic bag over his head to suffocate himself as well. Death seemed like the only option compared to the life he was living.
To Rich’s surprise he woke up three days later in a hospital. He discovered that he had rolled over in his sleep and a branch pierced a hole in the plastic bag around his head, saving him. Rich was still alive but his troubles weren’t over yet. He was still homeless, now without even his box to sleep in, and he was now going through withdrawal.
Rich began sleeping behind a church hoping that someone would find him and offer to help him. He was afraid to knock on the door and ask for help. At that point, he felt that even God had turned his back on him.
Rich began experiencing psychotic episodes. One night while Rich dreamed he climbed a tower across from his parent’s house. He wanted to die near his parent’s home to get back at them for the way they treated him, not to mention his mother’s refusal to help. He awoke to the sound of a train whistle and found he really had climbed a tower in his sleep. Below him police cars drove down the street but no one stopped to help him.
With no shirt, pants or shoes Rich returned to the woods to sleep. While crossing a road, he heard a horn and saw a tractor-trailer staring him in the face. The word “Kenworth” was on the front grill of the truck.
Rich’s life flashed before his eyes. The near miss with the truck was a wake-up call and he made an instant decision to seek help. Rich walked into a Burger King, called 911, and had himself committed. Rich entered a 90-day program at the Avalon Dual Diagnosis Center for Addictions—now known as The Florida Center. There, he received treatment for both his drug addiction and bipolar disorder.
After his treatment, Rich was moved temporarily into a halfway house. The plan was to stay in this house for three weeks while waiting for an opening in a more permanent residence. Unfortunately, the house was on the same block as drug dealers. He fell into old habits and started smoking crack cocaine again. He also met a girl at a crisis center that he liked.
A few nights later Rich discovered that she had a boyfriend. He took off his shirt, tied it around his neck and threatened to kill himself. He got kicked out of the house he was living in and was placed in another halfway house in yet another drug area. He knew that unless he took his rehabilitation seriously he would end up dead or in jail.
While in this new halfway house, Rich accepted assistance from the veteran’s administration. He got stabilized, received prescription drugs, and attended group therapy sessions at Strickland Manor in Highland, Florida. He also attended Narcotics Anonymous but stopped going because some members were still taking drugs and did not want to be in such a dangerous environment.
The VA gave him a job in a VA hospital. Part of his rehabilitation program was to get a job, have responsibilities and work towards becoming stable. The VA saved his life and gave him hope for a better tomorrow.
In April 2009, Rich received a golden opportunity when he visited the workforce office in Tampa Bay to inquire about training. In May 2009, he received a $5,000 grant, designated to help him develop new skills and seek employment in a new industry. He decided to take Information Technology and enrolled in classes at the New Horizons Computer Learning Center. By November, he acquired certificates in A++, Net+, and Microsoft Certified Professionals (MCP).
After a year, Rich found his financial reserves running out and used his last $200 to purchase the small inventory of a failed computer business. Of the 15 outdated and partially working computers he purchased, Rich was able to get two working. He sold them on Craigslist and doubled his money. Immediately Rich saw a business opportunity he wanted to pursue.
Today, Rich’s computer repair business has expanded and even has its own store. He is well respected in the Melbourne, Florida community as an expert in computers and is also a motivational speaker. Sometimes when he talks, he brings a cardboard box to help people understand the gravity of where he came from to where he is today.
The beautiful part of this story is that Rich and his ex-wife Linda rekindled their relationship and have been together for the past 12 years. After their divorce, Rich had many girlfriends but none of his relationships were successful. He always compared his girlfriends with Linda and no one could ever come close.
Amid all the hardship, pain and recovery, Rich discovered a talent to express himself. He wrote this poem and reads it often:
Have you ever wanted to run away?
To try and find a brighter day.
Have you ever wanted to leave your home?
But knew of nowhere you would want to roam.
The unhappiness most people know
Is there because they haven’t learned how to grow.
They can’t break the insurmountable wall.
The one that seems to have surrounded us all.
They can’t see the most glorious side
That this unbreakable wall continues to hide.
They can’t experience the most fulfilling love
Because of the darkness that looms above.
Once they learn that they can truly fly
They release all their burdens and soar in their life.
Once they’ve seen the most wondrous sight
Of the landscape below them in their fabulous flight.
They’ll never, ever want to return to that day
That they had that horrible thought;
The thought of running away.
“Surviving Suicide” is just the beginning of helping to save many lives. Tami De Vine and I decided to focus on veterans because of the magnitude of veteran deaths each year. Veterans average 22 deaths per day, 660 deaths per month, 7,920 deaths per year.
Each week a compelling story will be shared to honor a veteran. If you have a heartfelt story that you would like to share, please email Janet Grillo at [email protected]
Janet Grillo is the author of “God Promised Me Wings to Fly: There is Life After Suicide.” She is also a freelance writer for Crown City Network.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255